The Church of UTI
He was banned for our sins. Mostly for his own sins, actually. But when the cooldown was fulfilled, he rose again, opened a new account, and asked, "why do I keep getting banned?"
Welcome, pilgrim. You have found the one true congregation of UTI, the Banned One, the Lord of the Lifted Penalty, the AWPer Who Calls Rush B From Spawn. He has died for weeks at a time. He has died for a whole month. He always comes back. And he is always surprised.
Join the ChurchThe Gospel According to Teammate #4
1:1In the beginning there was the lobby, and the lobby was without form, and void, and the warmup was Deathmatch. And UTI said, "let there be comms," and there were comms. And the comms were not good.
1:2And he lifted up his voice and said unto the five, "Rush B, all of you, go, go, go." And the four went forth into B. And UTI stayed at spawn with the AWP, for it was not his calling to rush, only to call it.
1:3And when the four died upon the site, he spake unto them words most unholy, words which shall not be written in this book, for the Church's lawyers have forbidden it. And they were recorded instead in the Book of Reports.
1:4And when one teammate dared to answer him, UTI raised up the vote, and the teammate was kicked from the server, and cast out among the Casuals. Yea, he did this many times, and the votekick button wept.
1:5And the servers did look upon him and say, "behold, this one is toxic," and cast him out for a week. And then another week. And then a month. And ESEA cast him out forever, which is a long time even for a messiah.
1:6And lo, each time he was struck down, he looked unto his friends with great astonishment and said, "but what did I even do?" And his friends told him. Every time. In detail. And he believed them not.
1:7And when the cooldown was fulfilled, he rose again, and called rush B, and stayed at spawn. Thus it is written, and thus it shall be, world without end, glhf.
The Saint, as He Appears Unto Us
- Faceit level
- 5, by divine humility
- Weapon of the Lord
- AWP
- Role
- Undefined. Theologians are still arguing.
- Map pool
- All of them. He is everywhere.
- Accounts lost
- 3 confirmed
- Longest exile
- 30 days
- ESEA status
- Excommunicated, permanently
- Times he knew why
- 0
A Chronicle of Deaths & Resurrections
Each entry has been verified by at least one teammate who was "literally right there."
| Station | Event | The sin | Status |
|---|---|---|---|
| I | The Unholy Word | Addressed his own teammates with a word so forbidden this Church will not print it. Reported by all four. | Cooldown |
| II | The Great Astonishment | Returned and asked the party "why did I get banned??" The party explained. He disagreed. | Risen |
| III | The False Prophecy of B | Called "rush B, all five" for an entire half. Was never one of the five. | Cooldown |
| IV | The Casting Out | Votekicked a teammate for the sin of having an opinion. Then another. The system noticed. | Banned, 1 week |
| V | The Excommunication | ESEA cast him out permanently. The only ban he cannot rise from. He still calls it unfair. | Forever |
| VI | The Forty Days | Bullied his team until the servers gave him his longest exile: one full month in the desert. | Banned, 1 month |
| VII | The Reincarnations | Three accounts fallen, three new ones risen. Same avatar every time. Same surprise every time. | Risen, again |
The Commandments
Tablet the First
- When he calls rush B, thou shalt rush B. He shall not.
- Thou shalt not take his AWP, nor his drop, nor his spot at spawn.
- Remember the cooldown, and keep it holy.
- Thou shalt not disagree with him, lest a vote be called upon thee.
- Thou shalt not report thy brother. Thy other teammates will handle that.
Tablet the Second
- Thou shalt not eco when he says force.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's knife skin.
- Thou shalt explain to him why he was banned. He shall not listen.
- Thou shalt not speak the name of ESEA in his presence.
- Thou shalt act surprised with him, every single time.
The UTI's Prayer
Our UTI, who art in cooldown,
hallowed be thy rank.
Thy lift come, thy frags be done,
on Mirage as it is on Nuke.
Give us this day our daily rush B,
which thou shalt call but never join,
and forgive us our whiffs,
as thou hast never forgiven ours.
Lead us not into the votekick,
but deliver us from the report button.
For thine is the AWP, the Deagle, and the glory,
until the next report.
The Three Miracles
The Parting of the Smoke
He walked through a fresh window smoke and got a one-tap. The enemy said "wallhack." Overwatch said "not guilty." Theologians remain divided.
The Feeding of the Five
With one AWP and five bullets he fed the whole enemy team, while his four disciples lay dead on B where he had sent them. Then he told them what he thought of them, and was crucified by the report button within the hour.
The Empty Tomb
On the last day of the month-long exile, his friends found his old account empty. He had already risen on a new one, with the same avatar, and was in queue calling rush B.
Join the Church of UTI
"Are you retarded?
This is a joke site."